I cant believe its been 14 months since I have posted. So much has happened. I have grown deeper into finding myself and seeing the Hand of God working in and around me. Finding authentic visibility through reflection, despair, laughter, and long talks. Not being here has been much like neglecting an old friend. I think of posting often, yet I neglect to be here. Other things have come first, but being here is often on my mind. I have thoughts and ideas; however, not feeling they are perfected enough to write, yet alone share. It’s been a while, yet posting has been in my heart, a desire, and I keep making tomorrow the day. It’s been a while, and I am here.

This weekend I saw my first love. It’s been 33 years. We met in college, and we had planned to marry. Life didn’t work out that way. We have kept up over the years – always noting, It’s been a while… It was wonderful to see him. Like putting on a pair of comfy jeans. Relaxed, casual, and familiar. And even though it been a while, nothing really had changed. We laughed and giggled, caught up on our families, shared stories. It was the same amazingly great place to be, with my friend.

Then it was time to go, he pulled out to hit the road, and there, on my porch, the tears came. I felt the same hollowness I felt when he left 33 years ago. Wait! What is going on? Get a grip. And the tears kept coming. For a few days, tears have been there. Standing in my bedroom, with a void deep in my soul. God! What is happening? Why does this hurt so much? I just cried. It wasn’t even crying. It was more like my soul was leaking out of my eyes.

Ive spent the last few days praying. “Lord, guard my heart, take captive of my thoughts”. Searching for something to help me understand the void in my gut. I know I love my friend and now I love him even more. I know now, God used him to shatter me. I sat there, leaking for two days. And now I know this….

It’s been a while. Its been a while since I have let go and really acknowledged in a tremendously visible way to God and others – I really want to be loved. I want to share my imperfections and perfections. I want to have what God designed marriage to be. The joining together as one, It’s been a while since I have really admitted to myself, I want to be visible and I want to be known.

I am so very thankful for the tenderness of the Potter’s hands as He shattered a vessel of my soul. And as the potters of old poured gold into the cracks of the vessel to repair them; God is pouring His gold into my brokenness; making me stronger and more unique, as He has shattered me to His plan. Knowing our hearts can get clouded by worldly standards, simply avoiding what we know is in our inner being, a thousand things. As my soul was leaking to the Lord, I felt the Holy Spirit comforting me, gently pouring His gold into my fractured places, covering me in His wings, The reality of the tears is I want to find the man that will see my pearls. My face and the rest of me for that matter will fade. But the beauty that God has created in me will not. And that is what I want to share, I want share the heavenly rubies and sapphires of my soul. I have stuffed things into my husbands place in my heart, Mainly work; working insane hours, accomplishing all I can – simply, because he was not there. I am cleaning his space in my heart, making room for him to enter. It’s been a while. And like cleaning out the closets after years of collecting, I’m making room and cleaning out a space to be loved.

Being single is a gift. I don’t mind it at all. It’s not the desire of my heart, but I am happy and fulfilled. Feeling my soul shattering was amazing, and unpleasant. Honestly, last thing I expected. But I know it was all in the plans. So as I sit here, I am making room to be loved. That’s not easy for me. Frankly, it’s venerable and exposing. I think that while most of us singles want a relationship, its a relationship in our heads. The “Sure it’d be nice to have someone” kind of approach. Ive been doing that. Making it simpler and lighter. Sure dating would be nice. But this truth is not that. Its making changes in me (room), and its digging in deeper with God. It’s deeper, more complex and I was terrified to really admit that on such a gut level. Like the digging a hole to China deep level. All in all, it really has little to do with if I have a husband, I’m leaving that relationship for God to lead me in. What it has to do with is bearing my soul to my Father on such an intimate level and trusting Him to hear me. That even in the hidden away places he wants us to give them to Him; to place all of our being in His care. The places that are 33 years old hidden, the slap you upside your head hidden. To relate to Him and tell Him the deepest of our deepest. It’s not a pity party, or a nagging child that I’m expressing. It’s expressing ever fiber of our being to our Creator and trusting Him in all that concerns us. “Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me.” Psalm 139:1

While I wait, I will continue to pray over my husband. That he will find favor with the Lord and be exalted in all his labors. I will become stronger in trusting the Lord with the inner most desires of my heart, Being joyful in my brokenness, beautiful in the ashes of what I have been avoiding making room for, tender and loving to myself, and bold in sharing the truths of myself I hide. Search me Lord and know my soul.

It’s been a while…